Preparing For Our New Normal

This topic has been rolling around in my mind for quite some time now, but I haven’t blogged about it yet because I wanted to make sure everything comes out just right. SO many people have been loving Samantha and me throughout this last year, and I know everyone is anxious to meet her and love on her in person. 

Here are just a few examples of the love that has been shown to Sam and me:

My mom, sisters, and dear friends threw me and Sam a Reece's Rainbow themed baby shower.

Everyone signed in with a green thumbprint and signature on this tree made by my friend, Ashlee.

And to top it all off, we ended our time praying for Sam's court hearing. I know, huh? Wow.

Here are some of my most favorite people in the whole world...my youth group.  Praying for Sam.

And here's the 2nd grade class from St. Peter Lutheran School in Lodi...

having a bake sale to benefit the children of Pleven...

They raised more than $1,000!!! Thank you again, Mrs. Steiner!

I know there is also a group of kiddos at a church in Indiana who raised money for Sam as part of their VBS mission project. Thank you again, Sarah!!

And thank you to EVERYONE who prayed, advocated, gave, supported, encouraged. 

I want you all to know that I’m looking forward to sharing Sam with you.

And I thank you in advance for being patient with us.

We’re going to take things very slow for the first several weeks back home. Please don’t take this personally! As much as I am anxious to share my incredibly sweet daughter with all of you, I am even more anxious to give her the best start I possibly can to this new life of ours. And for now, I know it is in her best interest that we lay low for a while. For several reasons, really.

Our New Normal. I want to teach Sam what its like to be part of a family. She needs to get used to her new normal. This means spending lots of time in her new home, with her new mom, getting used to her new schedule. The more consistent I can be during this time, the more comfortable she will be and the safer she will feel. 

A Solid Foundation. Sam will most likely need full time care from me for the rest of her life. Her first months at home are laying the groundwork for many years to come. It is important that I be diligent in bonding with her and teaching her during this time. For example, as cute as it is that Sam may want to hug and kiss everyone in sight (as many children with Down Syndrome do)...I can’t let her. 20 years from now, when she is all grown up, strangers may not find those behaviors quite as cute as I do :) I want to make sure I am setting Sam up for success later in life.

Attachment. Sam has been “cared for” by many people over the last seven years. No day for her is the same as the last. The adults she sees in the morning are different than the adults she sees at night. As far as she knows, all adults are the same, and they all may or may not feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. I want to teach Sam that she can trust me to care for ALL of her needs. If she needs to be consoled, if she is hungry, if she gets hurt, if she wants to be held...she can look to Mommy and get what she needs. Our bond will be closer the more she depends on me to meet those needs.

“How can we, your friends and family, help you to be successful in bonding with Sam during your first weeks at home?” 

Well, thank you for asking! 

Here’s some specific ways you can help:

1. Please allow me, her immediate family, to touch only; hugs, kisses, and holding need to belong here for an unknown amount of time. High fives and fist bumps are great! And you can absolutely talk to her and make her laugh! But when she reaches out to be held or hug, please redirect her and offer her a high five or handshake instead.
2. Allow me to feed her.  If food is offered, allow me to feed it to her.  She needs to know that her immediate family will meet her physical needs. 
3. Don't worry at all if you forget! Just please don’t be offended if I redirect you, saying,   "Oops, no hugs from friends, lets high five instead!"
4. Pray that God will help me meet her heart needs and see/sense what she cannot tell me.

Thank you so much, in advance, for your help and understanding. And for your continued prayers! Less than three days till we leave and six days till we break Sam out of Pleven! I CANNOT WAIT!!! 

Katie and I promise to take lots of pictures and videos and keep all of you updated while we are away!

Until then,

Lots of love to all of you.

Three Weeks!!!!!

Well, I'm at work and in between meetings, so a short post in large font with lots of exclamation points will have to do :)

I got my travel dates!!!!!


We'll leave on August 10th. 


Arrive August 11th. 


GOTCHA DAY AUGUST 13th!!!!!!!!!


Sam, I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.
    Let the whole world know what he has done.
 Sing to him; yes, sing his praises.
    Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.
Exult in his holy name;
    rejoice, you who worship the Lord.

It's A Girl!

The e-mail titled, "It's a Girl!" finally came at 5:11 am.

Toni writes:

Congratulations on your new daughter Samantha Love Knuth, my dear Grace! 

The judge granted the adoption this morning and now you are officially her mom :) There was no glitch and everything went on fast and smooth - just the way I like it! The prosecutor was very nice too. 

The court decree will become final in seven calendar days starting tomorrow and then it takes about 4-5 business days to obtain the paper written signed court decree and submit the new birth certificate. That's when I will be able to schedule your pick up trip. 

For now - just celebrate away and give a big shout so that I can hear it all over the Atlantic Ocean :)

So I'm shouting here! And hopefully, somewhere in her spirit, Sam knows what's happening too, and she's giving a shout as well.

I'd say we're both pretty excited! :)

He name is now, officially, Samantha Love Knuth. 


And I am now officially her mommy :)  


I couldn't be any happier. Hopefully the next month will speed by so I can go and get her!


Thank you all so, so, so, so much for patiently enduring in prayer with me. I love the way God works. This process has been long and hard, but He has shown Himself faithful over and over again for all the world to see. And because of Samantha, He will receive SO much glory! And as a result, I pray that many people will seek Him and trust in Him. HE IS GOOD!!!


Love to all of you. 

The Next Big Step

A friend sent me an e-mail a couple days ago to tell me she was reading through her journal from last summer. She was able to find an entry written on the day I told her I was going to adopt.

Can you guess the date of that journal entry?

July 9th.

One year exactly from the date of Sam's court date. (How cool is that?)

For one full year I've been taking steps toward Sam. Some steps have been comfortable and gradual. Others have been uphill, with no sight of what might lie ahead. My faith has been stretched in every way, but looking back, I can honestly say that I never walked even one step alone. God has been good and faithful in everything, and so patient in teaching me, guiding me, rebuking me, and comforting me. And He has been faithful to comfort, sustain and love Sam. He is faithful because that is His character, and He can be nothing else.

So I continue to pray to our faithful God, and would invite you to pray with me, that He would see Sam through this next big step.

Our court date is THIS MONDAY, JULY 9TH at 9am Bulgaria time, 1:00 AM here in the States. Will you pray with me over this request sent to me by my loving attorney? She has asked us to pray this for the court hearing:

"There's a document missing and instead of the usual grounds for registration for international adoption, Sam was registered as an "exception". The judge didn't seem to make a problem out of it and I think I can defend it, but you never know what kind of prosecutor you'll get for the case (there's always one in adoption cases). They are appointed right before the court hearing and I can't touch bases with this "unknown" person. Please, pray that everything goes as planned on Monday and that there will be no glitches or problems during the court hearing. No new requests and no unforeseen troubles."

God is obviously intimately involved in this adoption, so let us pray and not doubt that God will answer this request according to His good and perfect will. Because we know He will!

You all are the most amazing prayer warriors. I couldn't ask to be surrounded by more loving, godly people than all of you. Thank you for a year full of fervent prayers and loving support.

Love to all of you.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His faithful love endures forever!

Victory!!!

For those of you who may not have facebook, I just realized I'd better share the good news here, too...

WE GOT A COURT DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My attorney e-mailed early this morning and said, 


"I just got a call from the court! Your court hearing is scheduled for July 09, at 09:00 am Bulgaria time! The judge is beyond wonderful and she requested nothing in addition! I am almost sure it will all be victoriously finished next Monday :)!"


Every single prayer request was answered with a resounding YES! Every. Single. One. 


She's coming home very soon, folks!!!!!


THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PRAYING! I am so incredibly thankful to everyone for praying so faithfully, and for believing when I did not. 


July 9th, at 9:00am Bulgaria Time, Samantha Love will be my daughter. 


Thank you, Jesus!!!!


Keep praying for God's protection over Sam, me, and this process. He is hearing us!!


Love to all of you.

He Set My Feet On Solid Ground

If I've ever given the impression that adoption is all romance and miracles, or that there is something special about me that qualifies me for this journey, please hear the truth from me tonight.

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." James 1:17

I've been hibernating a lot lately. And distancing myself from people who love me. Even worse, I've been distancing myself from the One who loves me the most, and the only One who can help me and Sam.

After enjoying the gift of nearly two months of peace (no doubt the result of God faithfully answering our prayers), my faith suddenly moved. Something shifted in my spirit and I was shaken. Doubt and fear moved in and made their bed where they did not belong.

"But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

My quiet times with the Lord have been few and far between. I pray everyday, but mostly quick, short prayers, and almost exclusively for Sam. Prayers like, "Is she ok today, God?", "Please take care of her!", and "Please oh please oh PLEASE bring her home!".

"He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect.
    Everything he does is just and fair.
He is a faithful God who does no wrong;
    how just and upright he is!" Deuteronomy 32:4

It is finally clear to me that my doubting and my fear are the result of me looking away from Jesus. I allowed myself to take steps away from the Source of Life, and have consequently found myself feeling dried up and useless. And that's exactly what I am without Him. I am nothing. I have nothing. And I am most definitely vulnerable to the enemy in this sorry state. 

But there is good news.

"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world." James 4:8

I know with all certainty that God is always near. He never moves. His love never changes. So, when I "feel" far away from Him, I can rest assured that it was me who moved. It was me who changed. 

So I'm resolving to lean in toward God. I cannot carry the burden of my desperately lonely and needy child waiting on the other side of the ocean. But He can. I cannot order the works of a government and court system who control whether or not Sam and I will have court before the Summer recess. But He can. To be bluntly and brutally honest, I don't feel like I can do anything good right now. But He can. 

"God is not a man, so he does not lie.
    He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
    Has he ever promised and not carried it through?" Numbers 23: 19

This is not the first time I've been in this position. I'm human, and this is one of my many sin issues. When I get to this place, it can be difficult to get back in the habit of spending time with the Lord the way I know I need to (and the way I want to!). So I took a small step tonight toward Jesus, spending the evening taking in some worship songs and painting Scripture. Filling my mind with Truth. No, my doubt and fear have not been completely removed...yet. BUT, I was able to draw near to Him for a few hours. Just long enough to say, "Here I am, Jesus. I'm coming back to You."

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2 

So, I'm back to hoping and praying and clinging to Jesus. He still has Sam in His hands. And me too. He is still fighting for us. So I will keep trusting Him, picking up where I left off.

"So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us." Hebrews 6:18

*I invite you to pray and hope along with me, for God to intervene on behalf of His child, Samantha. Pray that we will get that court date before the recess, that we will be assigned to a good judge, and that court will go smoothly with no glitches. He can do this!

Love to all of you, family and friends.

Faithful In ALL Things: A Big Update

Well, first things first!

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately. So many of you continue to pray regularly for Sam, to walk in honor of her, to share her story, to generously take care of me as I prepare for her. Thank you for loving us even when I disappear for a little while.

Its not that there hasn't been anything to share. Really, the problem has been that waiting is difficult, and it somehow makes feelings and experiences a challenge to articulate.

At any rate, I'm here now! And I am happy to catch you, my support system, up to date on all things Samantha.

• God has been answering our prayers in some pretty amazing ways. For instance, one prayer I pray regularly is that God would supernaturally meet Sam's needs when the people entrusted to her care do not. I pray that she will be protected and comforted. I pray that Jesus will keep her company and that she would neither be alone nor feel lonely. I have PROOF now that God is answering that prayer. For three weeks in a row He sent loving women into the orphanage to touch her, love her, hold her. First, He sent 32 nursing students to care for the children of Pleven for 2 weeks! (Read about it here.) Then, He sent a dear, fellow adoptive mother to visit with Sam during a trip to visit her own daughter, Kolina. She reported to me that Sam was full of life, immediately putting her arms up to be held. Sam lives just a few doors down from Kolina's room, so my friend was able to visit her each day that week. Talk about an amazing, complete, very real answer to prayer!

• A new director has been hired at the Pleven orphanage. She is one of the doctors who was previously employed by the orphanage, so to be completely honest, it is unclear whether she will implement the kind of change we have all been praying for.  However, I continue to believe that God can do whatever He wants. So I pray, and urge you to pray, that He would work in and through this new director. And pray that LIGHT will prevail in her heart and in that place.

• You may remember that some friends of mine came in and remodeled my old kitchen. (Check out before pictures here and here.) These pictures are long overdue. I now have a much more functional kitchen including a window that allows me to see into the living/dining room, triple the counter space, clean and cleanable surfaces all around, AND, a dishwasher! Not to mention, they walled up the door that used to lead from the kitchen into Sam's room and created a new entrance in the hallway. Such a blessing. Thank you SO much to everyone who generously contributed both in financing this project and in donating many hours of your time. I know Sam and I will be blessed by this incredible gift!

• Sam's bedroom is just about finished. And it is lovely. I can't wait for her to see it!

• From a video my adoptive-mother-friend sent me of Sam (which I have watched incessantly over the last week and a half) it is clear that Sam remains in the same lonely room, in the same too-small crib she has been in for months. This video serves as a stark reminder to me that while Sam and I enjoyed a beautiful week together, and while she is cute as a button, smart, and hilariously funny...that following our visit she was returned to her previous circumstances. She continues to receive less than basic care from the orphanage staff. In the video her hair looked dirty and matted to her head. She was standing up in her crib, hamming it up and laughing for the camera, and just eating up the attention she was receiving. I can only imagine what she was doing ten minutes later when everyone was gone. That little girl who wants nothing more than to LIVE spends 24 hours a day in that cage. Alone. When we pray for her, that's the picture we should keep in our minds. The picture of a child behind bars, desperately longing for freedom day.

• God has been faithfully speeding Sam's paperwork along. As I understand it tonight, we are now only waiting for a signature from the Minister before we can be submitted to wait for a court date.  While this sounds promising, I must tell you that the truth of the matter is that it is still highly unlikely that we will receive a court date before the dreaded court recess on July 15th. Waiting for a signature and a court date can take weeks. And honestly, we no longer have weeks to wait. The only hope we have for getting Sam home before the court recess is a miracle. Pure and simple. Sam will spend an additional two months in her cage if God does not reach down and intervene. It this possible? Do I believe God can do this? I really do. My hope and my faith are not perfect, but God has been so faithful to us I have NO reason not to believe that he could intervene for us again. Will you please pray with me that God will give us a miracle? He can do this!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like a tree not bothered by the heat or worried by longs months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8

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The following videos have been great reminders to me tonight. The first two were taken on our first day together. The last three were from our final two visits. Notice Sam's twitches, teeth grinding, and overall posture in the first two videos, and how relaxed and joy-filled she was after being loved for only a couple hours a day for five days. I can't wait to love her again in person. And forever.