He Set My Feet On Solid Ground

If I've ever given the impression that adoption is all romance and miracles, or that there is something special about me that qualifies me for this journey, please hear the truth from me tonight.

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." James 1:17

I've been hibernating a lot lately. And distancing myself from people who love me. Even worse, I've been distancing myself from the One who loves me the most, and the only One who can help me and Sam.

After enjoying the gift of nearly two months of peace (no doubt the result of God faithfully answering our prayers), my faith suddenly moved. Something shifted in my spirit and I was shaken. Doubt and fear moved in and made their bed where they did not belong.

"But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

My quiet times with the Lord have been few and far between. I pray everyday, but mostly quick, short prayers, and almost exclusively for Sam. Prayers like, "Is she ok today, God?", "Please take care of her!", and "Please oh please oh PLEASE bring her home!".

"He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect.
    Everything he does is just and fair.
He is a faithful God who does no wrong;
    how just and upright he is!" Deuteronomy 32:4

It is finally clear to me that my doubting and my fear are the result of me looking away from Jesus. I allowed myself to take steps away from the Source of Life, and have consequently found myself feeling dried up and useless. And that's exactly what I am without Him. I am nothing. I have nothing. And I am most definitely vulnerable to the enemy in this sorry state. 

But there is good news.

"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world." James 4:8

I know with all certainty that God is always near. He never moves. His love never changes. So, when I "feel" far away from Him, I can rest assured that it was me who moved. It was me who changed. 

So I'm resolving to lean in toward God. I cannot carry the burden of my desperately lonely and needy child waiting on the other side of the ocean. But He can. I cannot order the works of a government and court system who control whether or not Sam and I will have court before the Summer recess. But He can. To be bluntly and brutally honest, I don't feel like I can do anything good right now. But He can. 

"God is not a man, so he does not lie.
    He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
    Has he ever promised and not carried it through?" Numbers 23: 19

This is not the first time I've been in this position. I'm human, and this is one of my many sin issues. When I get to this place, it can be difficult to get back in the habit of spending time with the Lord the way I know I need to (and the way I want to!). So I took a small step tonight toward Jesus, spending the evening taking in some worship songs and painting Scripture. Filling my mind with Truth. No, my doubt and fear have not been completely removed...yet. BUT, I was able to draw near to Him for a few hours. Just long enough to say, "Here I am, Jesus. I'm coming back to You."

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2 

So, I'm back to hoping and praying and clinging to Jesus. He still has Sam in His hands. And me too. He is still fighting for us. So I will keep trusting Him, picking up where I left off.

"So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us." Hebrews 6:18

*I invite you to pray and hope along with me, for God to intervene on behalf of His child, Samantha. Pray that we will get that court date before the recess, that we will be assigned to a good judge, and that court will go smoothly with no glitches. He can do this!

Love to all of you, family and friends.