Friday, April 27, 2012

If I Have Not Love

Sam was blissfully happy today. When the nurse brought her down the stairs, I was waiting and watching in eager anticipation. We must have been quite a site to behold! When she caught a glimpse of me standing there, her little arms and legs began to dance and her face lit up with the biggest, most beautifully excited smile.

I, on the other hand, woke up today with rocks in my belly. It only took seconds of being awake to realize where I was and what was about to take place. I literally could not breath. And the tears would not stop. I prayed and cried through a long shower, knowing it was a blessing that the Lord was allowing me to feel and grieve and then pull myself together before my visit. And so that's what I did.

Yes, tears still fell occasionally as Sam and I played and sang and loved. But as far as she knew, we were having another great day together. I am so thankful for this. Today her hugs were even more trusting than before. I am now completely convinced she knows far more than anyone gives her credit for. I think she knows I'm her mama. I kissed her all over, every chance I got, and she kissed me right back; open-mouthed, sloppy, lingering kisses. There's not a gift in the world I would have rather received today.

Every time I heard movement in the hall outside our visiting room, my heart would sink a little, wondering if it was "them" coming to take her away. When a nurse finally did come, I asked Mitko, through tears, to tell her to PLEASE take care of my baby. The woman looked at me empathetically and said, "Of course we will." I only hope she could see how very much my little girl is worth in my eyes, and that she will answer my request with more than just words. With genuine care and respect for a child of God. With love.

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Anna pointed out today that no amount of physical care can make up for a love. Even if the children of Pleven were changed regularly, fed properly, and given sufficient stimulation and would all be for naught without love. So, until the Lord sends people with Love and JESUS in their hearts to care for these children, I pray He will send guardian angels to protect them, to hold them, to show them love. I especially pray this for my Sam. After such a wonderful week of loving each other, I pray her mind and heart would be protected. That she would not feel abandoned. That she would feel hopeful and absolutely loved and cared for by Her Father.

Please join me in praying for my Samantha. Pray that she will be able to endure the rest of her time at Pleven, and that she will cling to memories of this joy-filled week we shared. Pray that her "care-givers" will be completely overtaken by LOVE, by the power of God's Holy Spirit. And pray for the paper work I will start immediately upon my arrival in the USA. I just learned that the Bulgarian Court System will be shut down for summer vacation from mid-July to mid-September. Pray that our kind and merciful Father will move Sam's case through the court system BEFORE mid-July. I'm told by my attorney that this is not impossible. And with God, it is certainly VERY possible!

Before I sign off, I have to tell you all that your prayers are being felt here. Today has certainly been difficult, but there have been moments when I have experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding. Moments like these are a gift. Please keep praying.



  1. My heart aches to see your daughter reaching out to you, not wanting to part from you. What a special mama you are; you and Samantha are such a fantastic pair! I just knew that she would be blessed by your beautiful voice, too! Following your story and keeping you in my prayers. Much love and hugs from Milwaukee!

  2. Grace, I am SO glad we got to meet you and Anna and spend some time with you on your journey. We will be praying for and for Sam, and everyone involved until the day she is finally in your arms forever - and then some more! :) Lots and lots of love!!!!

  3. Wow Grace, I am sitting here in tears. God has done amazing things in your visits with Sam this week! Please know that we will be praying for all of the things that you asked for prayer for! We have watched God move mountains over and over again in adoption cases, and He can do it in Samantha's too!

    1. Funny you mentioned mountains. I was at a Praise and worship coffee house tonight after reading Grace's blog. The first song was Mighty to Save. I was praying for the mountain of the court system to be moved so that Samantha can be saved soon!
      *** Savior, He can move the mountains
      My God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save!

      Sheri R.

  4. The pictures at the end are gut wrenching. God's unfathomable love plus your immense love will sustain her. We will start a prayer movement asking God to move her paperwork through before the courts have their vacation. God can do it!!! I love you.

  5. Praying for you and Samantha and all the tiny children there. Praying that you get back there quickly!

  6. Oh dear GRACE,

    My heart crys with you...the photos took me back to the day I walked away and the very emotions I experienced that day and still do to this day...i can NOT EVEN think about the moment of leaving or I just cry...the LORD knows our every pain...HE is with us...YOU WILL GET BACK and my prayer is that you are through court before the summer recess! HE CAN DO THAT!! I am believing with you!

    LOVE YOU GRACE and so proud of you!

    Sam is beautiful and the love she has for you in her eyes is incredible...ONLY THE LORD...ONLY THE LORD!

    love you,
    steph brian sasha ellianna avi and lina (somewhere in that building waiting for me to return just like I said I would!)

  7. Grace,
    I found your blog from Verity's blog. What a blessing to read! My daughter has been home with us for 5 years now, and I can still cry over the day we had to leave her to come home so we could return to bring her home forever. She will remember you - no child forgets one who loves her. Praying for you both in the "in-between".
    mom to 3 cuties from Kazakhstan

  8. Grace, how could anyone hold the tears back seeing those last four photos? I am praying with you for a super speedy second stage!

  9. Oh grace, been praying for you heart all day today and Sam's too. May you both know the strong embrace of our Father. Oh how he loves you both.

  10. Grace-I am a new reader to your blog and will hold you and your precious, BEAUTIFUL daughter in my prayers. You are such a fierce and loving momma and welcome to motherhood...filled with painful moments and fears and all that good stuff amidst the hard matter what the storyline we might have in our individual journeys. I feel honored to pray for such a wonderful new family....YOURS! Love, Jane

  11. In the second photo it looks so odd to see a picture on the wall of a mom and dad with a new baby? These kids don't even know what that is?! The last picture of your precious daughter is so haunting. She is resigned to go with her care taker. Poor precious baby has no idea that soon she will be able to willingly leave with her mother. (((HUGS))) and prayers that the Lord sustains you both and shelters you both as you wait. God Bless!
    What joy we will have when these children come HOME!